Brief aan jou, dochter van een zieke mama

Vorige week ging ik opnieuw een week naar Arthur Findlay. Door mij vaak gekscherend ‘Harry Potter’ school genoemd. Een school waar ik leer toveren, waar ik terug verbinding maak met mezelf, waar ik oude demonen loslaat en waar ik genezen van terugkom.

Eén van de cadeautjes van vorige week was Chrissy, een vrouw met ALS die aan mijn tafel zat. Ze vroeg me om een brief aan haar dochter te schrijven, als ervaringsdeskundige, als dochter-van, als verbinder tussen leven en dood.

Ik zet de brief hieronder, als open hart naar de wereld, als meest authentieke ikke die ik nu kan neerzetten.

Ik wens je een liefdevol en magisch 2019

Marijke

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Dear beloved daughter,

I met your mum and dad in Arthur Findlay college in London, it was their first trip in years together. Since your mum was sitting in a wheelchair and talking through a computer, I was very curious what happened to her.

When I popped the question, your father told me that she has ALS.

I bursted into tears. Immediately.

Like, you know, in the middle of a restaurant, crying. Very elegant. Duhuh.

My father died of ALS many years ago, when I was young, only 18 years old.

So, let me introduce myself: I am Marijke, I am 41 years old, I live in Belgium, I have two teenage children and… my father died of ALS.

Yes, it sucks big time. More than big time to see your parents having so much grief and pain and there’s nothing you can do about it. The thing is that I sometimes had the idea that I had to carry their weight and their loss to, but the only thing I wanted to do was play and go out with friends and go to school in a normal way, but it just didn’t happen.

I can promise you that the only thing your parents wish for you is that you have the most normal and happy life as possible, and yes, that you can be angry at your mum and at the f**** disease who’s taking her away from you.

Do what your heart tells you to do

In these kinds of processes and life lessons, people always tend to have ‘good advice’. In some cases they do have good advice, in some cases they are just bloody idiots who don’t know what they are talking about. To be true and honest with you: please do not ever start listening or pleasing bloody idiots (sorry Mum if you’re reading this J ). If your mum is so ill, you have the right (and I know you have the intelligence too) to choose the advice and the people that fit you. Let this be a lesson throughout your whole life. You don’t have time for nonsense in this stage, neither does your mum or dad. Follow your heart and gut instinct, it will tell you where to go and how to handle the situation.

Please do show what you really feel

Please do be angry, you don’t have to spare your mum for your emotions. I can promise you that for everyone involved in the situation, just being you as you are: sparkly, smart and witty and yes, sometimes angry, is more healing than holding back your emotions. I also promise you that, when you get older, it will be especially these moments, where you were capable of just being yourself, these will be one of the most precious gifts in your memories. So please, do create the memories. The beauty and the love will be in these tiny moments where you connect with your mum and dad from who you really are.

I can assure you: ALS cannot take your personality or emotions away from you, or the love your mum and dad feel for you.

Her soul will never leave you

Yes, it will hurt and you will cry the moment your mum dies. In all these years of experience, I can tell you with 100% certainty that the soul of your mum will never leave you, although her body has had enough. I have my dad visiting me lots of times and you know what? We still have our arguments and I’m still not listening J.  You know, you owe yourself and the ones that love you, just to be who you really are. Even, and actually certainly, when times are rough. Being true to yourself and true to the ones that love you the most, is the most important healing part in life.

Fill every moment with love, faith and magic

I can’t tell you how your mum’s disease is going to evolve, nor can I tell you how and when she’s leaving this World, but I can tell you, the moment my dad died, it was the most beautiful and terrible moment of my life until now (and I already have had two children, you can imagine J). The hardest part was letting him go, the most beautiful part was feeling the eternal love I felt for him and his soul, in that way I was so glad that he could leave his body and be free of any sorrow. I wish you, your mum and dad that this moment can be a moment full of love, acceptance and guidance. But knowing your parents and seeing how much they love you and each other, gives me the faith that this moment will be filled with all that magic.

Signs!

Maybe (and I know your mum will read this letter if you let her) it’s a good idea to talk about your mum about signs. Like little tiny moments, songs, animals, plants, whatever that she can give you as a sign from spirit World so you know she’s nearby. In my dad’s case it is his favorite song that comes by in the craziest moments on the radio, he walks in my dreams sometimes or I see his name suddenly or a license plate … anyway, I dare you and your mum to be creative and make giggly wiggly secret signs.

She will guide you, whether you like it or not

Well, I know that parents can be a pain in the ass, and I can tell you that they will be forever. There were moments in life where my dad’s spirit stood next to me telling me what I could and could not do. Even if your mum is in the spirit World, she will be guiding you, even in moments when you don’t like to be guided.

You will know when the time is right

In this age you don’t understand everything mum and dad are doing or why they are doing things. I promise you that you’ll know and understand when the time is right.

From what I heard from your mother you’re a smart and bright young girl. The chances are that this process and all these life lessons are too much to handle in this short period of time. I tried to learn them all while my dad was still here, and that was a mistake. Please, do please give yourself time to grow into the life lessons and stay true to your inner child. It’s not because of your pain, sorrow or sadness, that you have to grow up immediately.

Live life to the fullest

I dare you to live your life to the full extend, even now, when your mum is ill, go out with friends, dance, do what you like and whatever makes you sparkle. You are here to live life to the fullest and even after your mum died, hang in there. There might be times that you are dancing, laughing, making new friends … that brighten up your energy … and crying at the same time since dancing reminds you of her. Please invite your mum’s energy to step in your shoes with you so you can dance the night away, in loving connection en memory of her. But please, embrace the tears because they clean your pain and heal your soul

What about grief?

Well, nobody is entitled to tell you how long you can or cannot grief. In my experience grief never stops. My dad died more than 20 years ago and I still cry and it still hurts. Although he’s with me in spirit many times, I can’t hug him anymore and it hurts big time. So please, do not let anyone tell you that time heals all wounds, because in my opinion it’s not true. Allow yourself to grief, cry and be sad when necessary.

I hope that you feel all the love and support I’m sending to you and your Mum and Dad through this letter. I want you to know, forever, that you are NEVER alone and your guides, in Spirit World or in this World, will always be there to give you a helping hand.

Lots of Love and healing

Marijke